alcoholic type of mood

the people you love can be taken away so quickly. i only hope they know how much the people left behind care. im not talking about death im talking about moving, going to the hospital etc. all you can do is feel inadequet without their presence and hope they know even though we're not in the same place. your the little voice in my head. i miss you. come what may. no more running then we'll run far away.

i need to sleep. i dont know why i bother to update noone reads this. i could die and noone would realize. who gives a fuck anyway.

my eyebrow is pierced. i havent heard from brandon or cleo in a while has anyone else? i want to stop being a hermit.

fat tuesday rocked my ass. i met new people yesterday anne and rob. who play music that equally rocks my ass. w00t. makes me happy. i want to see nicole. cant wait for spring break to go see jules. thurday im going to the two olives or w/e ang getting shitfaced. its so very good to be home its so weird how you sleep after cholodapen(sp) the best sleep i ever had. and good sleep makes a big difference.

i just found a bottle of pills in my dads drawer while looking for my my asthma medicine. the pills were 100 mg topamax's. i looked them up they cause depression. while i was taking topomax i was taking elevil and fiorcet or esgic plus and while these two medications are taken in conjunction this causes fucking depression even though elevil is an antidepressant. come to find out its not my god damn fault im crazy its all the fucking medicine they put me on. im livid and so fucking down at the same time. what the fuck. should have never looked that shit up. on the plus hand topamax causes dizziness, disorientation and muscle relaxation.

i have a crush on elyse sewell.

5 more days. im so ready.time to come back and get life in order. im excited and nervous. and all sorts of other things. my blood pressure is super low. i feel passy outty. im sleepy. i really have no idea how i feel. i feel off. i have fucked up so bad. fucking "a" man.

im at my aunt and uncles theres 18 inches of snow outside. i lived through my first blizzard. wondering if my friends miss me. all that stupid stuff. im lonely i think. i fucking hate drama. thats what seems to be going on right now. fuck it all.

i wish i was able to be in monroeville and take care of the shit thats going on. guys im there for you just not physically. call me anytime. i love you all.
12515932407 cell
14017270848 house

i am surrounded by people and have so much stuff going on but i am still lonely. at leaste i finally have someon my age to hang out with. courtney is pretty nifty. i miss you m'ville people. i hate sleeping by myself it makes it even harder to sleep. mom set me up on some date with this guy that works at the cafe chaete d' leon. hes nifty but i dont plan on any romances with these yankeefolf. its so different up here. its loud and everyone is so obnoxious. i get annoyed more easily than i realize. i cant beleive i miss my friends as much as i do. well only 25 days till i come home. generally its everyone else who leaves me. i have left everyone. i wonder if the people who left me felt as shitty as i do. its not m'ville i miss just the inhabitants that make life worth living. i am having a goodtime though. me mom and roland do fun things. good food. good conversation. and a totally sexy cultured cafe boy who is so freakin mesmerized by me. giggle. i have no intention of hooking up with him if i didnt live in m'ville and wasnt currently whipped i would so go for it.

i am 18. my hair is red and black. i made it.

Without music life would be a mistake.
-Frederiech Neizthche
His last name is so confusing.
I am in very good spirits i get to get the hell out of this godforsaken town.
I shall miss my friends but i will come back for you guys. worry not.
I have been reading alot. taking alot of ephedrine. feeling alive there is no better feeling in the world. my choice of drugs in the past have been things that make me feel foggy, silly, make me forget. i want to remeber the haze is lifted and i am no longer numb this is my true euphoria. i am me. i have turned into bethany once again. i am back friends.

You can tell
from the scars on my arms
and the cracks in my hips
and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest girl

you can tell
by the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and I keep on breaking more
and it looks like I am shaking
but it's just the temperature
but then again
if it were any colder I could disengage
if I were any older I would act my age
but I don't think that you believe me
it's not the way I'm meant to be
it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell
from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that i ate
came a couple weeks too late
and I’ve got some issues to work through
there i go again
pretending to be you
make-believing
that i have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose

i am not so serious
this passion is a plagerism
i might join your century
but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out
before the labor pains set in
and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes
and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair
and the bathroom full of flies
that i'm not right at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
they've seen it all before
they'll say
just let her crash and burn she'll learn
the attention just encourages her

and you can tell
from the full-body cast
that you're sorry that you asked
that you did everything you could
like any decent person would
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believing
youre immune to gravity and stuff
don't get me wet
because the bandages will all come off

you can tell
from the spot at the stake
that the current state is critical
well it is the little things
for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...

i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so i might join your century
but only as a doubtful guest
i was too precarious
removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM

chilling at my dads house. i want to dye my hair the color of chocolate-cherries. i have been craving nachos bell grande all day and finally convinced my dad to go get me one. it was terrible. that has absolutley no relevance in the world. got my plane ticket. w00t. i think. it will be nice to get away i will miss everyone. i have no idea how long i will be gone. this frightens me a bit. i want to be back for mardi gras. thats realy all for right now. i want a cigarrete badly

i love soda. specially if it is of the mountain dew variety. i am listening to hanson and the spice girls. i remember all of the words. that makes me a dork. it makes me all nostalgic and giddy. i love kitties. i am having a great day. overall life is nifty. i feel good. my tummy hurts a little though. i am leaving m'ville finally. i am going to Rhode Island for a month or so. though my rules are i must be home before mardi gras. thats my peoples holiday dontchyaknow. damn catholic nazi drunk molesters. thats not something i should be saying. oops. the drunken part is ok. dunkin donuts. w00t. i am going in to about 2 feet of snow this makes me smile. i turn 18 in 2 weeks. this seems awesome. legally i can smoke in any state but alabama and alaska. thats fucking stupid. gatsie and ben i love you guys.

my hair is shoulder lenght and dark blue

i cant stop crying.

christmas presents

wrapping paper

staying wasted

driving slowly

cant escape

missing others

hold me close

and dont let go

i hate christmas. mom is in m'ville.
prescription medication isnt even enough to kill all this shit.

i havent had pupils since friday morning. diamonds arent a girls best friend its really morphine. gatsie thinks that is sad. jeopardy's on.